The Dizziness of Doing Too Much: The System Weary Parent

There are a lot of tools and strategies in the professional world. I use them; I teach them. But I also want to say plainly: the role of parent is not a lesser role because it does not come with a certificate. The ordinary relationship, sitting together, eating, being bored in the same room or attempting anything or these things, has its own therapeutic function. When professionals suggest strategies, there is often an implicit message: if you do this consistently enough, things will change. That may be true, but it is also a staggering amount of pressure on people who are already at capacity. Not every moment needs to be an intervention. Sometimes you just want to be, and that is absolutely okay.

1. The Outer Ring: No Control

In the context of disability or SEN, this ring is often very full. Naming this honestly is not defeat; it can help understand where you put your energy and your emotions. Examples include:

• The System: How quickly services respond or the length of waiting lists.

• The Environment: How other children respond to 'difference' at school.

• The Timeline: The organic pace of your child’s development.

2. The Middle Ring: Influence

These are things you can shift, even if you cannot determine the final outcome. Examples include:

• Advocacy: How you frame and evidence an EHCP request.

• Relationships: The quality of communication and the rapport built with school staff.

• Preparation: Organising for appointments so limited time is used well.

3. The Centre: Direct Control

This is the most important area, and often the first to be neglected. This includes:

• The Home Rhythm: Creating predictability and a 'safe harbour' environment.

• The Repair: How you reconnect with your child after a difficult, dysregulated moment.

• Your Regulation: Whether you are getting any rest, support, or time that is purely yours. This is probably the most forgotten in the generous parenting I see.

I want to be careful here: the Circle of Control is not a saying that you have passive input across the board. My mother was not passive when she walked beside me. She attended every appointment and persisted when doctors did not know what was going on. She did all of this without being able to change the fundamental fact of my condition. She has been with me and my confusion, exploring what is going on for me through adulthood.

There is a difference between expending energy where it cannot move anything and choosing where to direct effort wisely. When I was spinning as a child, the thing that mattered most was not that my mother could stop it. It was that she was there. The steadiness of her presence was its own kind of stabilisation for my nervous system.

That does not require a strategy; it requires showing up. What I wish most for my Mum was that she looked after herself. I never blamed her for how I was, and I would not want her blaming herself.

Nothing here is intended to suggest you are doing it wrong. If you are parenting a child with complex needs, you are likely doing more than is ever acknowledged.

What I hope this framework offers is permission. Permission to stop spending energy in places where it cannot land.

• Permission to tend to your own wellbeing and the relationship.

• Permission to just be a parent for an afternoon, without it being a 'therapeutic activity.'

The dizziness did not go away, and my mother could not make it. But because she walked beside me, I learned to navigate a body I hadn't chosen. That navigation required both of us, and it started with her just being there.